


i will always be your guardian angel

by sam_stan



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Afterlife, Alive Yoshida Yuuki, Angst, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Character Death, Dead Yoshida Yuuki, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Original Character(s), POV Yoshida Yuuki, Regret, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24890215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sam_stan/pseuds/sam_stan
Summary: "Mafuyu.My sweet boyfriend who I’m convinced is my soulmate.No, he is my soulmate.The love of my life who I lived for.The person who I loved more than anything in this life.My love who is the first to see my dead body."_______I always knew death wouldn’t be easy. But if I'm a ghost right now then I might as well make the most out of it.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki, Yoshida Yuuki & Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 7
Kudos: 123





	i will always be your guardian angel

I always knew death wouldn’t be easy.

Even the idea of death is always surrounded by mysteries that no one can answer. There was always the question of what happens after. Nobody knows. It’s not like the dead can just come back to life and tell us what our fate will be. 

Will we be forced to stay in an endless black void of nothingness for all of eternity? 

Will we be met with an angel or devil taking us down to either heaven or hell based on all the decisions we have made in our lives? 

Will we be reincarnated and walk a new life where we can forget my old one and start a fresh book in the book series of our soul’s existence. ? 

Turns out they are all wrong.

***

I didn’t believe that I was dead at first. 

I opened my eyes and looked towards the ground and I saw the empty bottles of sake and alcohol littered around me while the chair that was my only life support had fallen on the ground. I know what I have done. Looking up, I see my limp, dead body hanging from a noose.

But how?

I’m alive. 

There is no black void surrounding me that blatantly tells me that this is the end while the eternal nothingness doesn’t stop to awaken my fears and missing hope. A void where my body’s soul will lose all energy and stay in for eternity.

There is no angel holding a book of all the decisions I have ever made, waiting at the gates of heaven with their small smile while the devil creeps up behind me with a list of all my wrongdoings to pull me from my shirt and take me down to hell where the devil has a malicious grin just waiting to torture me for my sins. 

There is no awakening of reincarnation where I can live a new life but I still remember everything that has happened in my life from my earliest memories as a toddler to the hazy, alcohol affected memories I have from before committing suicide. 

I look down to my hands and they are- transparent? My whole body and even my clothes are somewhat transparent and have a soft blue glow that is surrounding my figure like an aura. When I walk around the room, my body passes straight through the empty alcohol bottles and fallen chair as if I was never there in the first place.

Is this my hell? Is my punishment for killing myself? Reliving the moment and watching my dead body hang? Were the people right when they said that suicide is the worst sin? There’s no way they could be right. I refuse to believe it.

_*CREAK*_

Crap, someone is here. What do I do? Do I hide? What if they see me? How do I explain to someone that I’ve turned into a ghost who passes through objects without scaring them to the point they are convinced the house is haunted. 

“Yuki-,” a soft voice says, a voice full of regret.

I turn around, ready to explain and get help but I falter. 

Mafuyu.

“Mafuyu! I need your help. I don’t know what to do-” 

“No, no, no, NO” Mafuyu yells, cutting me off. His eyes are wide and tears slowly start forming and running down his cheek. He runs straight past me and runs straight towards my dead body.

He didn’t recognize me.

He ran straight past me without a second glance.

I am a ghost, a spirit, an unnatural creature that has been sent to haunt the living for all of eternity. 

“Yuki, no…” I hear Mafuyu say, his voice slowly breaking.

I watch helplessly as he tries to get my dead body off the noose and is desperately trying to check for a heartbeat, a breath, any sign that I would be alive. 

Mafuyu.

My sweet boyfriend who I’m convinced is my soulmate.

No, he is my soulmate.

The love of my life who I lived for.

The person who I loved more than anything in this life.

My love who is the first to see my dead body.

“I’m sorry Yuki. I’m so sorry. I was such a dumbass. I shouldn’t have said that. I regret it, please just tell me that this is just an awful nightmare. This has to be a cruel joke, I swear that I won’t be mad. Please Yuki, this isn’t happening. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Mafuyu repeats the words “I’m sorry” as if it’s a mantra that a higher being will hear and take pity on a mortal life.

All I want to do is give him the biggest hug and tell him that it isn’t his fault and make him smile again. I try to touch him to give him even the slightest reassurance but my ghost hand goes straight through his body. Is this my punishment? To watch the love of my life blame himself for my suicide as any emotional stability he has slowly crumbled with my lifeless body in his arms. To watch my soulmate say the words “I’m sorry” over and over again, hoping that this is just a nightmare that he will wake up from.

I want to scream at him to stop apologizing and that none of it is his fault. I want him to know that the only person’s fault was my own and that I regret my decision. I want to tell him how much I love him, how much I care, how much I love his smile, how much I love the way he looks at me with all the love in the world in his eyes. 

But I can’t.

I am nothing but a ghost.

My attempts are useless and I can’t do anything. I could scream and yell and curse out all the higher beings who forced me to become a ghost but all attempts are futile. I slowly fell to my knees as I watched helplessly as Mafuyu was suffering because of me. I regret making such an impulsive decision while under the influence of the sake. But I couldn’t change the past. I could only watch as Mafuyu clings onto my dead body praying that this is nothing but a nightmare as his eyes that were once full of love and passion turn into ones that are clouded and are slowly losing hope. 

This is true torture.

There was a time when we were younger and the two of us were watching a show and there was this one story about guardian angels. In the episode, the little girl’s mother died of cancer and her father told her that her mother was always going to be there for her and would be her guardian angel. The father talked about how her mother would always be watching her from the stars and would always be in her heart even if she isn’t alive. At the time I thought that the concept of guardian angels was dumb. I was so sure that the concept of guardian angels was created just to help little kids get over the deaths of the people closest to them or to give people reassurance that their loved ones are not truly gone. Before I could voice my dislike of guardian angels, I remember that Mafuyu softly asked me with the gleaming eyes of childlike wonder and innocence, after sitting in silence of what had just occurred on the screen, “Do you think I have a guardian angel?” 

I will be your guardian angel.

***

Days and months passed by like a blur and throughout these months I’ve been watching over Mafuyu. Watching him as he mourns my death, as he tries to learn to play my guitar, as he fails to open up to anyone about the grief that is attacking him and as he secludes himself from our friends. 

I want him to be happy.

And then it was like the universe thought that Mafuyu needed a small bit of light in his life to turn things around.

Uenoyama Ritsuka. 

The extremely skilled highschool electric guitarist who decided to teach Mafuyu to play the guitar that he has been carrying with no real use. 

The two of them had stars in their eyes whenever they glanced at each other and their bond only became stronger as they continued to talk and attend their band meetings. Mafuyu slowly started breaking out of the shell that he created and he started smiling again. The eyes of happiness that reminded me of the sunset were slowly coming back and overtaking the clouds. Mafuyu has met someone that he loves and someone who’s mere existence lets him slowly get over my death.

It’s hard to admit it but I am jealous.

I spent so long thinking that I would be the only one who would be given the love in his eyes and now I can only stand by as my soulmate moves on and finds a new love. I can’t help but wish that the universe was different and that I would be the one in Uenoyama’s place. 

I miss the warmth of having Mafuyu’s hand interlocked with mine. I miss the small kisses he would give me whenever he felt like it and his small laugh right after. I miss the little things in our relationship that would make me feel like fireworks were going off inside my body.

I miss… him.

But now my love has moved on. He has found new happiness and I should be happy for him. I should remember that my suicide was the reason that the light in his eyes was taken away and that the only person to blame for my decision is myself. Yuki Yoshida is dead while Sato Mafuyu and Ritsuka Uenoyama are alive. I am his guardian angel. If he is happy, then I am happy.

But there is that feeling in the back of my heart knowing that no matter how much time goes past that Mafuyu will always be my love. Every little part of me hurts when I see Mafuyu move on and slowly forget me even though the logical side of my head tells me that this is better for Mafuyu’s sake but the emotional side of my head wants to be selfish.

I have so many regrets. I regret committing suicide. I barely even remember my own suicide because of the alcohol I consumed that painted a hazy overlay over any memories I have. I regret being so reckless and allowing myself to drink that much. I regret making Mafuyu cry and being the reason why he is so depressed. 

Ignorance is bliss. Being stuck in a black hole would feel better than having to witness every moment in the life of the person you ruined. 

And then they started dating.

I felt half of me want to cry my lungs out and drink a ton of bottles of alcohol just to drown out the pain and jealousy. But the other half of me wants to reassure Mafuyu that I am so happy that he moved on and the eyes of passion and love are back and have won the war against the storm clouds whose snow would fall and remind Mafuyu of my death. 

At least Uenoyama is a good boyfriend.

I’m happy for them.

It isn’t like there is anything else I can do. 

***

I spend the rest of Mafuyu’s life watching over him and hoping that he remembers that I will always look out for him and that he has a place in my heart that could never be replaced. 

I watch as Mafuyu grows from the young child to the man he is now. I watch as his band “Given” rises in fame as they become famous around Japan and soon internationally as their lyrics touch the hearts of every person who listens and their days are always looking up. I watch as his relationship with Uenoyama grows to the point where they are married and have a surrogacy. I watch in surprise as his firstborn son is named Yuki and that decision is heavily supported by Uenoyama. I watch as Mafuyu grows old and becomes the father that he always wanted when he was a child. I watch as Mafuyu goes through his life in happiness and peace as he has moved on from my death but still mourns the day that I committed suicide. I watch as Mafuyu still goes to my grave to make sure that the flowers there are fresh and that the grave is always spotless. I watch as Mafuyu peacefully dies of old age, surrounded by the people that he loved the most.

The second Mafuyu passed away, everything stopped. The Earth around me slowly turned into the black void I always feared and my transparent hands regained their color. But the void is not down changing colors, it turns into a light grey with a bridge connecting the world of the living and the dead. I hear footsteps coming from the side of the bridge and it’s the person I first assumed.

Mafuyu.

“Yuki-” Mafuyu says in shock.

“Mafuyu,” I reply, giving him a small smile, “It’s been a while since we talked hasn’t it?”

Mafuyu steps forward, slowly edging closer to the dead side of the bridge, “I’m sorry Yuki”

“You don’t have to apologize Mafuyu. My suicide was not your fault and I know that you have already moved on and accepted my death,” I say and then adding, “Thank you for naming your child Yuki for me.” 

Mafuyu doesn’t say anything but the surprise is written all over his face before saying, “What? How did you even know?

I give a small laugh and explain, “I have always been looking out for you Mafuyu, even when you knew that I was never going to come back, I watched out for you. I will always be your guardian angel.”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow my Instagram @sam_artx00 for my art :)


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